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Mills and Boon; Take #1

He gazes into her eyes. Looking past her long delicate eyelashes and descending into the abyss of her white orbs. Falling deeper and deeper. He doesn’t realise it at first, but when he does, he doesn’t fight it. He takes it like a man. A man falling into the eyes of the woman he loves. When he lands, he picks himself up, dusting himself of whatever sediment of emotion has collected. Gathered.

He staggers; drunk, perplexed. Realising that it is futile. The emotion is from within, not without.

He glances about him, realising, for the first time that it is not in her eyes that he wanders. He is beyond that. Past all that.

He realises. He is in her heart and the emotion that has collected has made its way to his own and she…she lives in his.

He blinks. The blink of a man in love.

And then he sees her. As one seeing another for the first time. In light anew. . .

Who wants to be a millionaire #01

I want to make money. A decent amount, not necessarily be in position to hide 900m at home for whatever reason, but I think money is generally nice. Let’s skip the lecture on how it’s the root of all evil and how it kills. Let’s, instead dwell on the other really important issue. How to make it. You can go it with your 9 to 5 (who am I kidding, it’s probably an 8 -6) and make like you are content, but come on, don’t you want to drive that oh-so-awesome ride? You do and you know it. Let’s examine a few options…

Wise people will tell you that investment is the way to go. What they won’t tell you, is what to invest in…which to be honest is a true testament to their wisdom.  I’ve scoured the internet for all of two minutes and gotten bored so, frankly, I’m going to wing it. Invest in BLOOD.

Wait. Don’t go away. I’m on to something here. The way I see it, there’s a serious need for blood these days. You watch stuff like Ninja Assassin and Spartacus and you can’t help but marvel and think, “Bloody hell, whoever is giving these guys blood must be sitting on a heap of money…” you know what? They probably are. Now you have to be smart about how you go about this business. I think it would make a lot of sense if you posed as a red cross official and you did your thing.

The Red Cross and Blood Bank basically publicise their blood drives and hold them in open areas. This, they figure, screams transparency. The reality; it’s a major inconvenience. Nobody likes a showy person. It makes a lot more sense if the blood was donated in a convenient and private fashion.

Send text messages to people and approach the ones that reply. You don’t want to go taking blood from just anyone, do you? ‘course not. Visit any one of the 4560 sms spam providers and ask them to send a text to everyone in their database saying, “I’m out for blood, holla at me on __________” then you can collect when people contact you. And they will.

Now, you have to remember, some people are a bit shy about these things, so they may mask their trepidation with nasty words. Bear the brunt of their cusses, after all, nothing ventured, nothing gained… or something.

We’ll skip the boring how’s and when’s. For all I care, you can send for it from ‘outside countries’.

Let’s move straight to making your first sell…sale?

You can connive with people in the hospitals to give you a hook up. Short of that you risk becoming the grim reaper incarnate and constantly being on the look out for accidents. That would just be wrong. You don’t want to be the guy in the middle of a traffic jam with a wicked grin and a glint in your eye with thoughts of…well, you get the idea.

Okay, I hear you. Blood is not for everybody. Fine. Let’s go to entertainment.

It’s not enough to go into music these days. You need to offer the market something different. Back in the day it was enough to just have a crazy-ass sounding name, but now, not so much. Sorry  Dripping Lizard, your time is long gone.

What you want to do, failing getting a gig as a back up rapper for klear kut, is come up with your own style. GNL has his Luga-flow, Raba Daba has Luga-Ragga. Now to carve a niche, simply take away from these guys. I’d recommend a style that’s kinda common, but no one has attached a name to it; No-Flow! Just keep mumbling and rumbling and saying stuff like you took a puff, stomp out in a huff, like Charlie in two and a half…men, mayne, see how easy it is to piece this, I’m outta here. Peace!

What’s been up. . .

I had never realised just how much I like the movie Grease. I caught it on telly a while back and got hit by a wave of nostalgia. Far as I can tell, that’s some messed up shhhh seeing as the movie was released in the 70′s and I was born in the 80′s. There really is no reason for me to feel all memory-lane-ish. What memories could I possibly conjure up?

Okay, let’s assume for a minute that the movie was watched by these two grown ups and somehow, whatever they were watching was passed on to me… that would mean, my recollections should revolve around my fetal stage. What memories then? “oh, i had just made the transition from a whatsit to a what-the…”

The Grease issue has been a massive bone of contention for me because it, through no fault of my own, attempts to impress upon me, two *cough cough* truths….

  1. I am older than I think I am
  2. I dig musicals

I’ve thought this thing through and I think the one closest to the truth is number one. There is no conclusive way of proving this however seeing as;

  1. Birth Certificates can be falsified
  2. My mother is, without a doubt, meant to love me and say nice things.

If we look at number 2 in the first set of hypotheses, it brings out the worst in me, because, it implies that if I gave it a chance, I may actually like High School Musical and all the offshoot sprung forth from its . . . origin? That can’t be the word I was looking for. Isn’t it annoying how, when you’ve finally decided to put writer’s block at the end of your .25 Magnum, you pull the trigger and realise that the chamber is empty?

I mean, its all well and good to shoot blanks, but not to be able to shoot at all? Come on!

Hey, that last line sounded like an allusion to sex, didn’t it? No, really, go back and read it again. I’ll be here, waiting. Done? Makes you feel dirty, doesn’t it?

Snap, I lost my train of thought. I can’t be arsed to scroll to the top of this thing to see what it was I started out with, so let’s just make things up as we go along…

John Nasasira was quoted as having said that there will be no potholes in 2014, something attributed to the World Bank pouring a shit load of money into our pockets coffers. That’s all well and good, but does that also mean we won’t be seeing those repulsive road squares?

You know the ones. It’s like someone was walking past a pothole and thought to himself, ‘that ain’t right’. Pulled out a ‘set-square’ and proceeded to give the damn thing straight edges. I’m all for innovation, but dude!

Otunnu has been summoned by the cops, so has Besigye. Can only mean one thing. Election season is rolling in. The last time around someone was accused of raping… sleeping with his charge, this time around it’s boring. Dude has been summoned in connection with saying that a lake was sold to investors. . .seriously?

Let’s be real about this. We are constantly bitching about how the government is doing nothing to develop the economy and then when they decide to woo people with lakes, it’s a problem? What do you expect, we can’t go breaking more schools, seeing as, according to recent polls, education is something of a big deal.

Here’s a thought, go out there and vote, come 2011, coz then you are in a better position to hate. Right now (assuming you didn’t get your thumb stained the last time round) you’re like the … shoot! thought’s gone again…

Who drinks Alvaro? Would someone be so kind as to tell me what it’s purpose in life is? When the green bottle is pulled out of the fridge, with little beads of cold sweat on the side, is the liquid in there thinking, “I’m gonna kill brain cells!!” I have it on good authority that Tusker and other green bottles do that. They speak to me. Sprite and Krest need some back up (waragi, smirnoff, gilbeys) Mountain Dew…. well, there’s a joke about Mountain Dew, so I guess it passed. So what’s the deal with Alvaro?!

The House Party Article

ran in the Sunday Vision March 28 2010

The other week word spread like a fir… sorry, I meant, like a problem, that bars would be allowed to operate between 5pm and 10pm. Naturally, this suggestion was met with tremendous uproar. Not in the sacred halls of parliament, mind you, but from the people that actually have a stake in these things.

Solutions have been flung about with wreckless abandon, many of which incidentally are fuelled by liquor. The most obvious thing to do, the consensus has it, is to simply pitch camp outside the bars around 4:30pm and then leave. The reason this may make sense is pretty simple, no one has ever been arrested for driving under the influence between 6 and 7pm. At 8pm, the patrol officers are busy booking people behind the wheel for some vague offense generally referred to as inconsiderate use of the road. This could be anything from driving with your wiper active when there’s no rain, to playing Wafagio’s music at a loud volume.

Realistically, no one wants to go back to their place of residence reeking of alcohol at 9pm or 10 pm, so short of actually drinking in the parking lot of a really large supermarket that is open 24 hours a day, you are faced with one option; HOUSE PARTIES.

A chunk of respondents to the well thought out poll question, “House parties oh yeah?” responded in the affirmative. Well, that’s not entirely true. A lot of them wanted to be sure that the silly bill had been passed, then they were okay with house parties. Here’s why…

Cost Implications

You can always be certain you will drink something pricey even if you don’t spend on it.  Michael says he gets really riled when he carries a bottle of expensive liquor and finds  that other people have brought cheap stuff, “Some times they even carry water as a joke, but it’s not funny”. The decent thing to do, is to carry some soda and either claim you brought it as a mixer or say your religion doesn’t permit you to touch alcohol. It does allow you to taste it though…

Breathalyser

Realistically, at some point or other, you will run the risk of placing your lips on a piece of plastic that is not the mouth of a UG Quarter. However, many of these houseparties are strategically placed in areas that the police guys are not aware of. Seriously, when was the last time you stepped out of a person’s house and found guys bundled up on a pick up with the intent to be bribed…I mean, to dish out justice? It will take a while before the police catch on to the fact that there’s parties at some dude’s place in Kivamuntuyyo, so you can make the most of this.

Time is of the essence

You know how the DJ at your favourite watering hole likes to fade out the music in a not so subtle attempt to get you to leave? That seldom happens at house parties. For one thing, at least one person is already at home, and he is usually lonely and not averse to having company, which is probably why he or she threw the party in the first place. If you are said lonely, party throwing person, things work themselves out, no one wants to stick around and clean up, so you will have your house back eventually.

Bedrooms!

Kind of self explanatory

Clean toilets

Yeah, okay, the thing is, this is not always guaranteed. You need to be among the first people to use the loo. Or generally attack the toilet at that crucial moment when people can still; aim and  more importantly, flush the loo.

Home is where the heart is.

Ever hang out with someone and they are going on and on about how they want to go home. Throw the party at this person’s place and you won’t have to worry much about party poopers.

Sort of smoke free conditions

People generally respect other people’s houses. To this end, you won’t leave the house party smelling like you were hanging out in a tobacco factory. Okay, that’s a lie. No matter where you go, as long as people are having fun, you will smell like smoke.

Fight The Landslides!

I don’t know whether you’ve heard, but there was a massive landslide in Bududa over in the…some area in Uganda. I was watching the news the other day and all these people affiliated in some way with the Nation Media Group were pledging their allegiance to the cause. No, not the cause of the landslide, but rather to helping out people affected by it. Curiously, the amount of hype surrounding the Haiti earthquake was larger than this. No local artist, far as I can tell has come forward and promised to stage a concert whose proceeds will benefit the people suffering in Bududa. We haven’t been treated to an artist amalgam a’la We Are The World or anything. Just the sound of tears…and a visual of the president sympathizing with the families of those affected by the tragedy. A picture, that the good general shares with what appears to be an AK47. On the other hand, I suppose we would be making more noise (read; news) if said picture had the good general wearing gloves or if his pinky were wrapped in band-aid.

You can’t help but wonder what the deal is here. Why the heck would anyone carry a gun to commiserate?

“Oh, I don’t know, in case tragedy strikes again, it’s always good to make like a scout and ‘be prepared’”

The Red Pepper ran a piece in which they explained why the gun was present. I didn’t read it.

I have a theory of my own. I think, and please remember that I used the word ‘think’, that Nasser Sebagala (or Nas, if that’s how you lol) was reporting the matter to the Head of State as he is wont to when such shit goes down,

Nas: “My Excellently, there is a troubled brew down in Bududa. There has been a strategy of enormous pro…”

M7: “Hang on, what?”

Nas: “Enormous, doesn’t that one mean much size?”

M7: “Hmm, okay, go on”

Nas: “…portions. It was catatonic! Even my heart in my chest cried tears. My prezden, it said ‘waaah, waaah, waaah’ like baby…”

M7: “Bebe Cool?”

Nas: “No, like baby humen. Mr. Prezden, there was a landslide, like when Mao landslided me, even there my heart said ‘waaah, waaah waaah’ like Baby song…”

M7: “You mean, baby’s cry?”

Nas: “No, I mean song, that one for Bogolako”

M7: “First wait, did you just say Nobert Mao had a landslide in Bududa and killed many people? He won’t survive Janet’s Bark”

Nas: “Mr. Museven, I don’t tell Fasting Lady because my English, it is limited. In fact, I have use it all in this phone call…”

M7: “Not the first lady a.k.a Silver Fox, a.k.a Mama J, Janet is my faithful AK47! That is the one this character will not survive. It has been with me since the days in the bush. When we slaughtered more buffalos than you would as you recited the alphabet. “

Nas: “Eeeee, you are going to make my heart pour tears. Why you are insulating me that way?”

And the story went on. Point is, I can totally see why you would need to carry a gun now, Mr. President (not you Allan, the other guy) and I’ve got your back. Heck, I can’t wait to see what you’ll be arming yourself with when you decide to fight the floods. You are going to fight them, right?

Are you Happy…you know, at this hour?

Does anybody know it’s BHH*.

I realise that this will likely scamper off to Facebook and impose itself on the masses as a note and I apologise for that, but I really can’t go and change the settings right now. Too much work and all that.

*BHH is Blogger Happy Hour. A one of a kind, once a month event that sees bloggers converge at a bar in the middle of Kampala and engage in intellectual discourse. Topics covered during previous BHH gatherings include Darlyne’s camera, Dante’s Iphone, Bahati’s bill, The President’s Finger, Rappers, Brown Summers, Monsoon Visitors, The Wrath of the ‘Pop and talking Basicx.

It has been attended by several bloggers, sometimes all at once, at times, in intervals. It has also featured it’s fair share of well-wishers (*cough* gatecrashers). Notable attendees appear on the list over at blogspirit.ug.

There is always something to learn at these gatherings, one blogger remarked in earnest, “Man. I will never do those Happy Hour Cocktails.”

It’s an opportunity to hang out or get hang over!

Initiated in the last decade, BHH has mutated into a Pizza Happy Hour, An Effendys Happy Hour and the very elusive animal, “MEGA-BHH”.

It is time. . .

3am.

He has been awake for a while. It doesn’t look like he will be going back to bed anytime soon. Thoughts plague him. One particular thought actually. The accident. He hadn’t seen it himself, but the boda boda rider had narrated it in such detail. It felt almost as if he had been there as it happened.

All he had seen was the abandoned lorry and the crowd. He couldn’t forget the crowd. As the bike moved closer, so too did the crowd. A menacing advance punctuated by screams and insults. One sane voice almost drowned in the madness as the man with a helmet shouted that vehicles were not allowed to use the route that lay ahead.

4am

Sleep continues to elude him. No matter how much he tosses and turns it is beyond his grasp. So far away, he can’t even feel it. For lack of something better to do, his thoughts begin to drift. Further and further until he is back on that boda boda. Listening to the rider’s tale. ‘Seeing’ it.

Apparently some young people had opted to use that route to beat the traffic. It is possible they were overspeeding. What was not open to speculation was the fact that they may have been inebriated.

Along with the mangled flesh that was pulled out of the wreckage, were shattered bottles of beer, some sachets of cheap brew and a pack of cigarettes; almost empty.

The driver of the lorry, for whatever reason came hurtling down the road with reckless abandon. He was sober after the accident. Sober enough to run away from the scene.

One of the victims had his fist tightly wrapped around his phone. The collision had caused the two to become one in a nasty fusion of skin and plastic. Not even the hardened lumpens that no doubt had collected, had it in them to take what didn’t belong to them.

7am

The alarm goes off. It doesn’t make much of a difference. The hours leading to it have been spent sleeplessly. He lies in bed a little longer. A sense of dread filling him for a few seconds. As soon as it comes, it leaves. He slowly climbs out of his bed and starts to pick out his clothes for the day.

He takes a bath and gets dressed. He feels a little bothered. A sense of foreboding seems to be nipping at him, but he brushes it aside as he settles down to have breakfast.

He checks to make sure he has everything he needs for the day and starts to leave the house. He sees his pack of cigarettes and hesitates before picking it up. He has been trying to quit, but his nerves could benefit from the nicotine.

10am

Work seems to be moving at a place that suits it, which infuriates him quite a bit. He glances at the pack of cigarettes and makes up his mind. He tells his co-worker he is stepping away for a bit. She smiles knowingly. He wonders why he even bothered to make excuses. Why indeed. Its not like he feels ashamed of the habit and no one has given him any flack for it. The debate raging through his head won’t let up, he finds a spot and lights up.

His thoughts go back to the accident. The person with the phone. Was it the driver? Was it a passenger? What thoughts were going through his head before impact?

4pm

The pack still has some cigarettes. It’s an achievement of sorts. He stares at the clock, willing the end of the day near. It takes its sweet time. Looking through his diary, he sees what he expected; no entries for the day. It has been a slow day and it simply won’t let up. Just one more hour left. 60 minutes that stretch into many more than that. It feels almost like…

His phone rings, startling him.

“What’s the plan?”

He doesn’t feel up to anything at the moment. He is still shaken from what he saw yesterday.

“Maybe a drink may help. Staying in couldn’t have done anything to help”

That is true. Maybe a night out may soothe…but it should be tame.

“You know that’s how these things always start out, but fine. We will keep it local. There’s a decent kafunda near your place. I’ll holla”

7pm

For the second time today, he finds himself staring at his watch. It is not a hard stare. His eylidss are heavy, laden with sleep. The sleep that had previously played hard-to-get has come home. He muses on the thought as he feels his eyelids close. He lets them.

His phone doesn’t.

“I’m at your gate”

He mutters something under his breath. It is not polite.

“Sheesh. Were you asleep?”

He doesn’t offer an answer. He hangs up and makes his way to the gate. As he locks up he remembers the pack of cigarettes and goes back and gets them.

10pm

The night is on an uphill swing. Thoughts of the accident long gone. He is truly having a great time. This place, though has become boring. A change of location is necessary. He turns to his friend and makes a suggestion that meets no resistance.

“Let’s pass by the supermarket and get cheaper booze. I mean beers”

The second part is offered as a means to reassure his friend. In the past, they have experimented with all sorts of cheap alcohol. The ban on ‘sachet’ alcohol did nothing to slow down their pace.

He looks at his pack of cigarettes. He has enough left to keep him going.

11pm

They tire of drinking from the parking lot in the supermarket and get into the car. They met one of their friends and he came bearing gifts. Sachet alcohol.

They set off with no idea of where they will end up. They spy a jam in the distance and they opt for another route.

He begins to berate his friend over his weakeness for sachets. He in turn is called a chimney. He is offended and says he can quit right now!

There’s laughter in the car, none of it his.

He looks at the pack of cigarettes and wonders why he can’t stop. Then and there he decides this is the end. He will not light another, never smoke again.

His preoccupation earlier on had not afforded him a chance to call his girlfriend. Ignoring the late hour, he pulls out his phone to call and check on her.

Around the same time, the car starts to swerve. The friend driving seems to have lost control. Panic spreads in the car.

Up ahead, he sees the bright lights of the lorry…

Ho Ho No

I suspect this is the part where I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas. So here it is, take it and enjoy. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

This is not the post I wanted to write. I’ve been procrastinating for a bit with that one. I wanted to write something from the point of view of my lung. If you’ve seen the movie Fight Club, I’m sure it rings a bell. Something like;

I am Ivan’s once collapsed lung. I am okay now, no thanks to him, but God loves this kid. I sit  here and chill, manipulated to do the bidding of other organs that he abuses. They don’t have the guts to take any course of action, but I do. Actually, it was not in my plans to have Ivan admitted, but the thing is, the liver kept whining on and on about how hard it had it and unable to put up with it’s spiel I opted to move. unbeknownst to me, the air that makes the rounds in the body is, contrary to popular belief, eager to stay in. It thus assumed that I would not be coming back and it took up residence in the right quadrant of the rib cage. I’m a fairly decent organ, you see, so I didn’t think much of this…but a few month’s later it was getting greedy, pushy even. That’s when I thought to myself, “screw this” and…well, you know the story from there.

What I’m trying to say is, I’m fine, really. You don’t have to worry about me. More importantly, I want you to know that what happened could have happened to anyone. Alcohol was not a factor. That usually goes after the liver, but that’s a story for another day. Not mine.

Till next year, I’ll be here. Hanging around.

Yours truly,

Ivan’s lung

Like I said, something along those lines… I would have loved for something more poetic, something that would make you think. Something that didn’t look like  I found it floating in my drink. Something that would make you meditate, send you on a journey and levitate to levels unknown unseen. Something kinda cool, kinda mellow. Something awesome, something wholesome. That would move you, that would prove that there’s a groove in the midst of all the text, a lyric that would flow, that you would carry everywhere you go, but no, all I have is this. no more, no, ho, ho, but I do wish you a Merry Christmas.