In other news, I finally got some Kenny Rogers music! I know this will probably sound odd, but I was so pleased with myself. So much so that I called my brother and told him I had 42 Kenny Rogers tracks. He was not moved. I don’t get it. Dude loved the oldies, what happened? Did he ‘style’ up when he discovered rock music? No matter, I will call up my other brother;

-Dude, I have Kenny Rogers!
-Sorry?!
-No, dude.I.Have. Kenny ROGERSSSSSS!
-slight pause.- why?
-Coz this stuff is awesome. Classic stuff! Come on, you know you want some of this!
-Er, enjoy.

The first time I mentioned my mission to find Kenny Rogers to a loved one she looked at me with what I later found out was genuine disbelief as she asked, “really?”. It’s all good though, no love lost there.

I tried to pass on some Kenny Rogers to my mother and she didn’t seem moved. She did a little dance, but I suspect that’s because she didn’t want to break my heart, bless her. but seriously people, doesn’t anyone listen Kenny anymore? What did he do to you?

My kid sister was watching Army Wives when I got back home, I don’t know why anyone would find this even remotely interesting. Isn’t it like watching The Desperate Housewives with camouflage? Yes, I caught a glimpse of DH, and the scene had this lady hike her skirt in an attempt to outdo Eva Longo-rear.

Like Dee, I too have come to appreciate Eminem’s new album (Relapse). At first listen I thought, meh, but after a while I started to appreciate some of the songs. I find that it’s always like that with an Eminem album lately. For me anyway. The song that I’m playing over and over at the moment is My Darling. Pretty neat, though there is a part where he is having an (imaginary?) conversation with some entity that could be The Devil, His Conscience, His Drug Habit. One thing’s for certain, the thing has a decent ‘flow’. Man, I’d hate for Em to come out and say that conversation was with Lucifer. Dang, that would suck.

I haven’t seen an episode of Family Guy in ages, I need to watch something funny! The Hangover was pretty cool, but I suppose I got sucked in by the 300 million or so reviews that said this was the funniest thing since Jennifer Lopez said she wanted to be taken seriously as an actress. I found a clip online with Stewie singing one of those ballads from back in the day, off the tip of my fingers, I’d say it was Glory Of Love, but I know I’d be wrong. It’s a Bryan Adams song, but this Kenny Rogers is a major deterrent to sensible thought construction.. Everything I Do! That’s the song.

My battle with insomnia persists.well sorta does, it is not so much a battle but an ass-whoopin. I am being beaten up by insomnia. I’d appreciate it if it didn’t tease me with the thirty minutes or so of sleep at the start then took it away, that shit is not funny.

HOW TO BE RED BANTON or any other ROCO ARTIS

I know, it seems like a cheap shot, right? I mean, why would I go out of my way to pscho-analyse Tony something or the other. Well, for one thing, because I can. You don’t see me doing that on your blog do you? No. Which means I can get away with it here! Also, I suspect that Red wants to be Kanye West.

East (africa) meets West

I don’t mean that in a bad way, but his rhyming style is sorta like, “oh look at me, I sound like Kanye”. His personality is nothing like Kanye’s. Kanye has an ego problem, Banton is a simple man. And says shit like “I’m a simple Banton-ee”.

Let’s look at Kanye’s flow then, for good measure, Red’s.

Kanye: Who killin em in the UK. Everybody gonna to say you K, reluctantly, because most of this press don’t f**k with me. Estelle once said to me, cool down down don’t act a fool now now. I always act a fool oww oww. Ain’t nothing new now now

-American Boy

Red Banton: I used to be Red Bantoni, now I’m a simple Bantoni, no longer the one Bantoni, even my lady calls me Bantoni…

-180

Arguably, there are very few words that rhyme with Banton, so yeah, let’s work within our means.

The average Ugandan song combines (I hate this word) vernacular and innuendo in a delicate mix that results in what holds the appeal of a soaked piece of toilet paper…but with a certain staying power the likes of which we have not seen since Rasta Rob’s last song…

• You will also want to throw about a couple of random phrases:
• Kablim kablam we come back randomly – Weasal Ma Nizzo
• We don’t nnyinyyi we just yiyiyiyi – Ragga Dee
• Kamwokya – Bobi Wine

Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Not a lot of thought goes into some of our songs. Don’t get me wrong, the GNL’s and Klear Kut peeps are a decent lot, but when it comes down to the music that’s not Hip Hop, you can compose a song in your sleep.. In fact, I did.

This ka-song is original,

Zi message zensindika zibeera subliminal

Walahi, the way I do it should be called criminal

Even tho’ tha flow is borrowed from Red Bantonee

I respect and admire Red Bantonee

I met a chic and she called me Antonee

I said no, I just look like Antonee

Then she groped me and held my Bantonee

I said ouch and observed that “you really want onee,

You really really want tony

She nodded yes and kept holding the bantonee

Making me horny horny horny

Like that cartoon, my little pony pony pony

That I watched on my sony sony sony

It was a fake, a SQNY, so a phoney phoney phoney

That’s when I figured this stuff was serious

I didn’t have to be a genius

How did it end, I bet you are curious

My intentions were dubious

The glint in her eye; devious

Catch you later

When we were setting up my appointment for the RCT (shit, I love how that makes me sound as deep as those guys you see on telly) I was asked to sit down next to the lady that schedules the appointments (by the way, I meant guys like House). So we started going through the Book Of Secrets trying to find something convenient for me. It’s amazing just how many people need to see the dentist! (I didn’t mean Zach Effron(sp) or those other wusses on Grey’s Anatomy!) No really, if I’d actually known that dentists get all this action, I’d have rethought my career ages ago. I’d have studied harder and maybe I too would be looking down mouths and stuff. Rubbing teeth of the rich and famous and not their shoulders as is the case right now.
{quick question, do you really know anyone famous enough that you’d want to gaze longingly into their mouth? Me neither}

After a bit of back and forth we settled for an early Monday appointment. What better way to start the week? I mean, it’s a given that I will probably have a shitty Monday any week, why not make this thing legit?There was the promise of a phone call reminder type thing and the threat of drinking myself silly to the point that anyone coming into the premises after I’d been, would get instantly inebriated. Good times!

It was all moving along smoothly until Saturday. We were supposed to go catch up with a couple of pals, then head home. The amount of time spent out was not going to go beyond 2 hours.

It did. I got home pretty late… or early depending on how you look at these things, and spent the bulk of Sunday in bed. Not so good times!

I don’t know about you, but from previous experience, sleep can be a bitch! The way sleep and I interact is such that I can only get involved once a day, or like there are rations and stuff. Which means, if I sleep during the day time, my slumber will elude me at night, no doubt looking for some other hapless individual that failed to get some earlier. Also, because of sleep’s bitchy nature, it’s likely that it will simply elude me and go out for a night on the town with comas and stuff instead of visiting some deserving person.

Long story short, I was awake for the pretty much the whole of Sunday night and forced myself to go to bed at about 4am,Monday. I suppose it is only fair that I point out now that my appointment was for 9am, Monday.

At about 8 something, the call to remind me came in, but I was in the throes of passion with slumber.

I would have probably gone and had the RCT (someone give me a lab coat already!) done, but a report on the internet claims that being asleep during dental procedures is the leading cause of subsequent dental procedures. Plus, I wouldn’t want to give the dentist the wrong idea. “Oh look at me! I am not afraid of pain. I can sleep through the procedure! Do your worst ‘oh-surgical-mask-wearing-mortal’. “ That shit is not good for PR.

My teeth hurt like a bitch last night so I am seriously contemplating getting the silly things removed. Everyone says there is no such thing as a permanent Root Canal thingy, and though we are pals, my dentist and I, I would much rather run into him at social gatherings and not when the environs have all this gadgetry making angry noises.

The RCT is this Thursday…. coincidentally, so is BHH.

Oh, lest I should forget, The Maurice Kirya Experience is on tonight at Rouge.

Lucy will be there doing her thing, show some love.

Please vote Barry into the White House (Baz, that black-house shit still isn’t funny!) Please you guys. Let Obama win, so that the guy I report to at work doesn’t skip work and leave everything to me. You see, the thing is; dude supports Arsenal and they have been having a less than stellar run lately, so he figured if he goes through one more disappointment, he will take a break. This, more than anything has deepened my resolve to take a more active role as far as soccer goes.
Moving on, here’s some stuff to think about now, as our brothers in the West go and touch screens in an attempt to make history.

1. What’s the deal with feeling inclined to support Barry? I mean, I am a self professed Obamaniac, but I can’t justify it the way those analysts on the tube do. Did I miss the part in his campaign where he promised us East Africans green cards if we gave him our support?

2. How exactly is our support going to help Barry win? I am genuinely surprised by the lack of activity on my cellphone. No, really, I half expected SMSMEDIA or TRUEAFRICAN to send me a message thus, “VOTE YOUR FAVOURITE CANDIDATE BY SMS-ing his name to 8198 or 7197 and you could win!!”

3. Has anyone considered just how easy it is for thieves to take inventory right around this period. All one has to do is lie in wait and then note down the houses that have people yelling with excitement. Also, it’s easy to be discerning. The ones with yells that have like 5 minute gaps in between them have Pay-TV and that enables them to watch updates every five minutes or so. Those with yells separated by days have free-TV, so it’s really your call.

4. Is any of the higher ups in our country actually watching this stuff to get a rough idea of what democracy is? No, you idiot, I’m not referring to the exorbitant spending on clothes, I mean, the way Tina Fey has had a blast making fun of Sarah Palin… and how that other dude also made fun of McCain. What? That really WAS him? Crap!

5. What are the odds that we shall ever go to the polls and vote by touch screen? I mean, peeps have had practice with Iphones, but what happens to the rest of us mere mortals? What if the experience is so overwhelming… what if we steal the screen? Then again, it is a pleasant step up from stealing “shot” glasses.

6. Isn’t it kinda cool that we don’t have to endure soccer talk for a while? I mean, no more conversations featuring the words, “Offside, Penalty and Free Throw”…is that not bliss. Then again, I know a guy that wants to strangle anyone that uses the word “primaries”
… er, yeah, as in, “that girl is too young for you, dude. She is still in her ’primaries’ “

7. If (GOD FORBID) McCain does win,  are new parents going to name their offspring after him? Actually, that’s a given, we are shallow suck-ups. I suppose what I mean is, will kids with his name turn up before or after he visits Uganda?

***Breaking***

BARRY HAS WON and the Mac has conceded defeat.

-Quoth The Mac, “America has spoken, and America has spoken very clearly” Translation, “America has taken me to the cleaners. I’ve had my arse handed to me by Obama. I’m outtie bitches!”

-Quoth some guy back here, “Hussein is the President of the United States!”

-Quoth me, “Now we can get some sleep. Wake me up after he is sworn in”

-Quoth desperate news anchor in UG, “Obama of DP has won! This announcement paid for by Ssebana Kizito”

-Quoth Obama, “      ”

- Quoth some other random guy, “The force is strong in this one”

-Quoth a republican, “I sense a great disturbance in the force”

- Quoth Bebe Cool, “Big is Big!”

Nuff said!

My “er-boss” says he will buy me lunch as consolation for my candidate’s loss… I’ll tell him about my allegiance after lunch!

I am not a snob. Seriously. I just like to think that certain things are beneath me. The problem is, I have the number one sign that someone maybe a snob. I am too bloody quick to defend myself and attempt to link myself to a certain class/group of individuals.

You know that thing where someone brands you a snob and you say, “I am not a snob! I even hang out with. . .”
Yeah, that confirms that you are one. That said, here are a few snobbish traits I have managed to pick up and some pretty lame attempts to justify them. Feel free to add yours.

“EATING JOINTS”

I eat “Rolex”. Shit, the combination of Chapati and Egg and “accompaniments” (****! That word actually exists?!) is to die for. It’s such a shame they couldn’t come up with a decent name for it. So yeah, I like to eat the damn thing. An urban legend suggests that rolex postpones hangovers. They will come, but they will come late! Thing is, I can’t bring myself to buy one from anywhere but Wandegeya.

Defense: Rolex originated from Wandegeya, according to our forefathers. You can’t expect imitators to reproduce the product efficiently.  Any Rolex from anywhere else is a knock off.

SELECTIVE EATING 2.0
Burgers and Pizzas should not be bought from a place that boasts a clientele of three. That is to say, if it is not Dominos, Nandos, Steers or even Antonios, they should be handled with caution and the sort of delicacy usually reserved for transporting landmines. Places that are overly eager to display their capacity to preapare “special meals should not be trusted. That’s to say, any place that is named thus; BURGER DEALERS, PIZZA SUPREME MAKERS or even CYBER PIZZA AND BURGERS DOT COM should be avoided at all costs.

Defense 2.0: Which sorta doubles as a confession. Some new outdoor food vending thing opened up in an area close to where I live and I thought I’d give it a shot. Never mind that it was next to a brothel, or that the guy selling stuuf had the marketing skill of brick. I figured I’d try out their burgers. If they were any good, I’d be visiting this place on my way home and I’d be able to do away with that silly “I Feel Like Chicken Tonight” place in Kabalagala. BIG MISTAKE. The burger I bought did not have CHEESE, as I’d been led to believe by the brick behind the counter, but had a friggin fried egg in there. WTF?? What sort of self respecting burger has eggs on the slab of meat?

BODA BODA RIDERS

I’ve gone on and on about this, one of the most convenient means of transport today, what I may have forgotten is this. Whenever I can, I have earphones nestled in my (where else) ears. From time to time, the other end may be attached to anything ranging from a media player to my wallet. Its not because I suffer an affliction that requires constant in-ear stimulation, but rather so I don’t have to be engaged in discourse with the guy steering us through traffic.

Defense: Boda guys seldom speak in a language you understand. When they do, I try to listen, but I can make out very little from what the wind lets me pick up. A typical Boda conversation will run thus;

He: Kati ***** naye ***** imagine ***** (laughter) ***** don’t you see ***** fish ***** dame
The  ” * ” standing in for words the wind has maliciously carried away and I have, consequently, failed to pick up. If I forgot to carry my earphones I simply smile when I think I am supposed to, jeer occasionally and shake my head in sorrow.

OCCUPANTS OF WAITING AREAS

These range from those at the clinic to the waiting area at a company you’re looking to join and are thus awaiting someone to come over and beckon you to some conference area for your interview. Standard behavior is to wait and keep quiet. Do not feel the need to engage in conversation with other occupants of the area. In as much as it may make the wait seem shorter, more often than not it will not yield positive results. If there’s a newspaper nearby I tend to read that. If I’ve got credit, I send messages or surf the net. Engaging in a conversation is a last resort and one you should turn to if you absolutely must stay awake.

Defense: Without planning it, if you get the job and the other occupant of the waiting area doesn’t, you will come off looking like a dick. An arrogant, self righteous prick and he or she will not have any problem with “accidentally” pouring stuff on you the next time you run into each other.
Defense 2.0: If you happen to be in a clinic, that interaction does not do any one of you any good when either one of you hears the other being asked to present the “stool sample” the doctor asked for. You will never recover from this, so you’re better off reading the text you received telling you to text the word, “ACNE” to ****

WAITERS AND WAITRESSES…and BARTENDERS

Once in a while, one or two prove that they are different and as such I should have no qualms about interacting with them. Please note, I said one or two. Usually the third or fourth  will make you regret the whole experience.

Defense: When you display a show of camaraderie with waiters and waitresses, more often than not they will figure that they are above being tipped and will likely keep your “change”. It’s happened to me a couple of times. And when I asked for it, it’s like I had cracked the world’s funniest joke (yes, Baz, even funnier than that Obama +Black House thing of yours). The times I have displayed an “I left my friends on FACEBOOK” attitude, I have been successful in getting my “balance” back with considerably less issues… granted, there is the possibility that my food may have been forced to accommodate someone’s spittle, but….

STRANGERS IN TAXIS

I try to avoid engaging in conversations with these people (that actually does sound snobbish) because of two experiences…

Experience 01: This one time I was trying to sell of my phone, I bumped into a guy that expressed interest in it…and at a price higher than I expected. Naturally, I felt obliged to “conversate” with him till I got to my destination and exchanged numbers with him. I was young, I didn’t know any better. I was also quite desperate. It didn’t seem like such a bad thing…until the texts started to come in.

“Sweetheart. I think we should meet and talk. It was nice meeting you”
“Darling, I am serious about the phone, I just want to know you better”
“Dear, I just want to be your friend, where can we meet?”

Experience 02: Everyone has gone through the communal newspaper experience, so I won’t even go there.

- END -