6 keys from the edge…

It’s Big Brother All-Stars. Contestants from the previous editions return to the house for another season will number five be lucky? I favour the number seven but I’d hate to have to sit through two or three more editions of Africa’s biggest reality show just to prove a point.

Let’s just hope that season five is the show’s swansong. Don’t get me wrong, Africa loves it, so it makes sense that we should get more… it’s kind of like crack in that sense. You know its wack, but your cousin digs it so you can’t say jack.

It’s been suggested that this show is going to be something of a game changer and I can’t wait to see how this plays out. Let me think; will it feature contestants competing for a cash prize?

Er, yes. Will they come from 14 different countries? Well, yeah… will it be hosted by South Africa? Erm… So it’s not much of a change is it? Hang on, there’s a twist; there will be no insufferable Vuvuzelas!

Plus (and I think this is the part we are supposed to be hella excited over) it will feature contestants from previous editions of Big Brother Africa.

Exciting stuff that, I can barely type and that has nothing to do with the fact that my hand is busy slapping my forehead eliciting a thought process that climaxes in the realisation that there was a reasonable explanation behind the lack of build up to this moment.

So, 14 housesmates from our past… that should be interesting, right? It sort of depends on how you look at it. If the previous editions were won by the most entertaining housemates, then what are we being offered?

It’s sort of like walking into a restaurant and having the waitress roll her eyes at you and say, “the good stuff is finished and is off spending it’s prize money, but we have the mawolu.”

If you’re hungry, you’ll take it, but as you chew it, there’s no running away from the realisation that you’ve been handed the leftovers. Again, this is not necessarily a bad thing.

I for one dig frozen pizza, so I can’t wait to see who DSTv (and by extension M-net) is pulling out of refrigeration for our viewing pleasure.

We know there’s definitely a Ugandan in there and seeing as none of our representatives has ever won, any of them could be thrown back in there. Question is, who truly deserves a second chance?

Gae has moved on and done well for himself. Maureen got married, Morris is doing well as model and we haven’t heard much about Phil and Hannington.

So, if we were to in fact give someone another chance, I reckon it would be down to Phil, Hannington and Morris, not because there’s anything wrong with being a model (I respect that) but rather because we expected him to publish a dictionary when he left the house. There’s just so much untapped potential there.

Will we benefit from the spirit of camaraderie that the East African Community is trying to instill in us or will Kenyans, Tanzanians and Ugandans conspire against each other? Speaking of which, am I the only one that thinks Tanzania’s hot cake will be coming back?

It was mentioned earlier that the money that would have been used during the recruitment drive was channeled into “recreating the house in a very different way and focusing on putting new technology into place”. What does this all mean?

The web is ablaze with the suggestion that the shower hour may be back which would lead us to believe that it was always on the cards but the technology at the time just couldn’t permit us to watch people bathe. You’ve got to be grateful for waterproof video cameras.

Last year’s host is back and hopefully this is one of those second time lucky situations. A lot of people didn’t feel a connection with IK last season, but if we are willing to give the show the benefit of doubt there’s really no reason he shouldn’t be granted some sort of reprieve.

Unless of course he decides to wear another leather jacket. I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to see how they are going to introduce the characters this time around, I can’t be bothered to speculate over Big Brother’s persona this time around, it can be a child with Tourette’s syndrome for all I care.

However, if the show opens with a splash of paint and people in military fatigue, I may have to claim a refund.

Quick recap. We’ve got contestants from previous shows coming back.
Sean Paul is going to perform and there will be (with any luck) no Vuvuzelas. It starts tonight on DSTv.

TK pulls a move that I dare say was pretty smart. Saying that he replaced himself with the lady he figured stood the lowest chances of being evicted if she was nominated. Oh shit! He replaced himself with Hillary Clinton! Wait, why is Lucille looking really down? The sleeping pill was TK’s replacement?

Oh yeah, there was a jam by I-Jay type ladies at the beginning of the show. This just in, they are called Irene and Jane. I-Jay? Oh this is going to be shortlived.

AD Break. There is a tree in Africa that has the ability to produce all kinds of fruit, including Watermelons. This tree is called Eobank. Hehe, bank with us if you’re feeling fruity.

I love the support the Tanzanians gave their hotcake. She describes her relationships with Morris and Ricco as “No romance”. Well, with her out of the house with no money, looks like she came back carrying No romance with no finance.

The Namibians have Lucille’s back…and if they keep this up, they will have her back…home. I must say, she looks pretty.

Ricco has lost his hair, Tawana has grown hers. Morris has… oh, look, DSTV says I should press OK.

The Nigerians want Uti back in the house. For ****’s sake, why must everyone channel their inner cheerleader?

Lucille looks depressed as she says goodbye. Shut up Biggie! This is a depressing moment. Oh, that’s cute, she has a top that has Munya’s name on it. Of course, its at the eleventh hour that Munya gets to be on her body.

Oh yeah, as-if- I-Jay are from Ghana. Its like Brick and Lace without the IT-Factor.

The results are in. I’m nervous. My stomach is churning. Silly beans!

Lucille is OUT! Well, not before Ricco tries to unclasp her bra…or hug her. I can’t tell with the sound of glass being shattered. That’s the sound of heartbreak. Uti’s. It also sounds like the F word.

Post eviction interview. Lucille is not feeling too bad. This is the most interesting she has been thus far. Ricco is a harbinger of doom. Anything he touches goes home. Dude must be careful about touching himself.

Ricco turns on the waterworks whilst Uti kicks shit around and Lucille hits on Kabelo. She has a look that suggests she wants her some him…

Holy! One nomination and she was out…shouting. Kabelo asks her what makes her come out of her shell. Is “shell” code for “clothes”?

Crap, she’s crying. So is Sheila. And she is Topless. What happens when Sheila cries someone a river?

Lucille says she and Ricco are just friends. But he counted your friggin’ freckles!

Mimi is also crying. Wait. I think it was her that was crying her eyes out with no top. Heh, Bareback Fountain.

AD Break.

It’s a great year for Lollipops, what with all the publicity and shit.

Dang man, everyone’s really miserable. Oh TK, you are so out of there. (confirmed, Sheila is not the bareback wailer, she has gone to get herself some shisha)

Lucille maintains that she is naturally a very shy person…this after telling the viewers she had forgotten to shave.

11 countries voted Lucille out. Damn You Africa!!

Tawana is scheming with Hazel. Hazel is wearing white pants and I’m out!