2009 March | where i write my wrongs

Archive for March, 2009

My Neck, My Back Hurts JUST LIKE THAT

Let’s just dive right in shall we.

I have Spinal Spondylosis…the condition, not the movie. It is not the reason I walk with a, er, bounce. But it sure as hell is the reason it feels like my ribs are not held together and are engaged in a playful game of poke the lung every time the vehicle I am using goes over the humps that litter our roads. It is also the reason my back hurts like a bitch. Yeah, there is no colorful way of describing my back pain.

It took a while to arrive at this diagnosis by the way. In typical Ugandan fashion, the first doctor I saw said it was Malaria. Let’s think about this for a second. I have a sudden back pain, a dull ache in my right hand and the ribs in my chest feel like they are trying to have forced intercourse with my lungs and somehow this is supposed to be a strain of malaria?

How is this even remotely possible? Have the anopheles Mosquitoes enrolled in some Military school? Did the Italian Mosquitoes send some Mafia Enforcer; Don Squito? Has the virus had enough diseases like Ebola and AIDS taking its shine and decided “Screw this. You don’t know who the **** you are ****ing with!” (I don’t even know why I bothered censoring those words, what else could it be?)

So anyway, I told the doctor I didn’t think it was Malaria, but he insisted that I take the test. No lie, I hate needles, but if they will reveal what’s going on, so be it.

Results came in and….. NO FLIPPIN MALARIA!!!

However, the doctor is not buying this. “It could be hidden, take these pills.” Hidden? What the hell? Are the White Blood Cells and the Malaria parasites working together? From whence did this solidarity come?

So I took the drugs for the first day and surprise, surprise, I was still in pain! So I sought a second opinion.

I won’t name names, but this doctor is notorious for deriding our local doctors and their Malaria prescriptions. For once I was on the same page with him.

His diagnosis, “You have a long thin neck!”

Er, okay.

“Actually, you are tall and thin.”

Shit, I could have stayed at home, looked at myself in the mirror and saved myself the consultation money!

“So, your spine *something something* nerves *something something* pain”

BUT

“Let’s run some blood tests just so we can be sure we did not leave anything out”

Oh Crap, Mister! You don’t wanna do that! I have this Malaria Parasite in there that will break the friggin needle before you can get a sample!

The results; NEGATIVE for anything of significance.

So I’m told to stick with painkillers for the rest of my life. EXCITING! This brings me a step closer to being like that grouchy doctor on TV.

YET

The pain refused to go away!
It just stayed and stayed,
Stayed like it wanted to play!

So I got a third opinion! And that’s how I found out that I have Spinal Spondylosis! In as few words as possible; Spine, Bone, Poor Posture, Nerves Pressed.

Treatment

Physiotherapy!

The doctor has this little gadget that has these funny pad thingies that distribute jolts of electricity through my body. It’s an odd sensation, and I’m sure the doctor knows this. So I don’t understand why he thinks I can sleep through the whole 30 minute ordeal. It took some getting used to, but when I finally accepted it as a friend (not on Facebook, Erique!) I just had to know its name. What do they call you, oh buzzing gizmo! Who shall I say cured me of my malady?

The doctor was only too willing to offer, “It’s called a Digital Therapy Machine!”

Are you kidding me? I was offended! You might as well slap a sticker on its side that says “Sylvia”

The doctor was on a roll. During the second session of physiotherapy, a belt like thingy was strapped around my waist.

“It will produce some heat!”

I was comfortable with that, what pissed me off was its name.

“This one is called a hot belt…”

Catch you on the other side

Other Side
I think there’s a boda boda guy trying to off me. I’m not sure but it could be for this Human Sacrifice thing that has swept the country. Everytime I jump onto his bike, I give him specific instructions… and directions. I tell him exactly where I want to go. Then I wait.

Sure as rain, he always tries to branch off to some dark place, until I tap him and say, “Boss!”

Then he goes back the way he is supposed to.

I feel compelled to tell him that I am probably not the witchdoctor’s type. I am tainted. The witchdoctor wants virgins. I’ve had sex before and I’ll be damned if I don’t have it again!

I am trying to understand what’s going on in his mind at these points, “I think he is sleeping, I can take him the other way…” Shit, speaking of ‘the other way’, maybe it’s not Human Sacrifice this guy is after…

In other NEWS

The president loves himself some ‘TOOKE‘ biscuits. Would it have killed the geniuses behind this product to sit down and think of a more awesome name… I don’t know about you, but if a kid walked up to me and said he wants money for Tooke, I’d slap him for being so obscene…

2009: 03/31
CATEGORY: In the News
Random
This Life
17 comments

déjà vu

Philip wakes up with a start, his forehead awash with sweat. His breathing comes out in spurts and his heart palpitates at an alarming rate.

The room is dark, so it takes him a while to figure out where he is. He reaches around and finds it. The lamp by his bed side. That was the easy part. It takes a little longer before he can find the switch.

He flicks it and the room is bathed in light. He looks beside him and she is still there. All his panting, his gasping, she slept through it all. She is a heavy sleeper and for once, he is glad. He wouldn’t want her to see him like this.

Suddenly he realizes that he has a headache. It’s nothing serious, so he figures he will ignore it. He finds it upsetting that the nightmare that had seemed so real a short while ago is fading into the darkness from whence it came. It bothers him even more that he is still unsettled.

There is nothing more frustrating, more disturbing than the fear of the unknown.

He can’t go back to sleep. He doesn’t even try. Whatever it was that scared him, got him real good. He feels a need to make sure everyone in the house is safe. Protected from… even he doesn’t know. As the man of the house he feels it is his duty. No, his responsibility.

The door to the kids’ room is slightly ajar to let some light in. Little Sara is only two years old and the darkness gives her nightmares. Her brother Nicholas tries to put up a brave act for his father and pretends he fears nothing. Ordinarily Phil finds this endearing, but right now he thinks its pretty dumb. It’s okay to be afraid once in a while.

Perfectly normal.

Both kids are okay. Sara is clutching at her teddybear and Nicholas has his back to him. Facing the wall. If you can’t see it, then it can’t harm you seems to be the reasoning at play.

Phil decides to go downstairs and check the doors. Everything seems to be in order. It’s no use going back upstairs, his sleep has left him for another, and he’ll probably catch up with it tomorrow. He walks over to the fridge door and opens it. His hand lingers above the last can of beer as he thinks to himself, ‘can it ever be too early for a drink?”.

Something tells him, he shouldn’t. He fights it for a while. Right there, in front of the refrigerator, he is engaged in a fight with his conscience. It wins and he pours himself a glass of juice instead.

He checks the doors once more and then, satisfied, goes to the living room and switches on the television.

Somehow, the channel surfing provides him with a modicum of relief. Sets his mind at ease. For a fleeting moment.

There’s the sound of a tiny explosion and he feels a great pain shoot through his chest. He drops his glass, wincing. The pain forces him to look down and he realizes, that the front of his vest has gone red. He reaches over to touch and it feels dump. There’s no doubt in his mind that it is blood.

But why…how…who? Nothing makes sense.

He musters what little energy he has left to turn and then he sees her, holding a gun, aiming it at his head.

His lips part, letting a whisper escape with his last breath, “Sophia…why”.

There’s another shot and then darkness.

Then he wakes up with a start.

2009: 03/10
CATEGORY: Fiction
TAGS: Fiction
Sophia
15 comments

What Randomness Is This

Allow me to start off by saying I am so freaking sleepy. To that end, this will likely be one of those posts I end abruptly. Truth be told, I am making this up as I go along. I don’t know what I intend to write. I know I have bitched quite a bit about the boda boda peeps and their inherent inability to muster the art of bargaining, but shit. How hard is it to grasp. I pay person X 3000shs to get me from place A to place B. Why on earth should I have to pay you, person Y, 5,000shs for the same journey? Why would I, after telling you that I will call up ‘the regulars’ suddenly feel compelled to pay you 4,000shs? What the hell, man?

I just got my Matrix set of DVDs. The entire collection. Everything Matrixy at my disposal. I am so excited. If I were a virgin I would boldly declare that this feeling is the best thing ever. Okay, I don’t have the games or the comics…or the underwear, but shit, with a large screen and surround sound, I will be the king of the world. Me! Not Erique!!!

Sorry about that, someone slipped me some salad. I am not dieting, you realize, I am just so local. I want to be able to say I ate salad out of its tub like all the cool kids do in the movies. Not movies like the Matrix, you realize. In that one they eat blood. Technological blood and they kick tech-butt! Shit, I think I may have underestimated the excitement those DVDs brought.

This year’s first comic book movie has been released. Watchmen was in cinemas yesterday. Not cinemas in Uganda, you realize. We are doing badly. We will likely see the movie at the ‘plex in, oh I don’t know, a month. If at all. I called up the guys at the cinema and they shyly stated that they don’t know. That’s it. Not, “I don’t know when it will show”. It was a simple, “I don’t know”. Which could mean they don’t know what I am going on about, or they don’t know what the following sequence of words aims to achieve by flowing out of my mouth, “when-are-you-screening-Watchmen”. She also laughed and for the first time in my life I didn’t think that a giggle borne out of ignorance was funny. In fact, it was downright infuriating. I am supposed to be a connoisseur of information like that. No one will think it’s cute when I answer their queries with a giggle…or a chuckle! Only person I know that can get away with it is B2B. Anyone that attempts that (and you know you likely will in the comments’ section) should be taken outside, next to the mango tree and shot…twice!

I have been getting a lot of flak for the Red Banton post. Someone decided to mail it to a couple of people and now I feel the need to set things right just in case this shit spirals out of control and lands in the wrong hands (Read: Red Banton): I didn’t mean to diss Red. I respect him as one artiste does another. I appreciate that there is a lot I could learn from him. Dude has groupies, I do not. Dude has met Measles and Weirdo…er, Mowzey Radio and Weasal! This guy is a beacon of light and I wish him well in his travels. I especially like that song he did, where he was in Love Lockdown with some Heartless chic… I think I may be mixing up my artistes.

My salad’s finished, my day done. I have to go interview a presenter for the paper, but no matter what happens… I will return.

Hey. There’s a beach party on at Iguana tonight!

2009: 03/06
CATEGORY: Random
10 comments

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this special announcement

Hi people,

Remember THIS

I was going to go with remember THEM, but it hit me that there is no way I could link to each of them properly. So anyway, Sara needs some help from you guys. I’d love to get into the nitty gritty of it, but she wrote an email, so it makes more sense for me to just copy and paste (not in a Joey Kibs sorta way, mind you).

So, here goes:

_______________________________________

I (Sara) am hosting this 24 hour camp next weekend for around 15 youngsters about the Millennium Development Goals and education about ‘Developing countries’ in the Danish High Schools.

My opinion on this; there is too much ignorance, prejudice and lack of experience and understanding in the communication about the global south in Denmark.

That is why we did the movie with you guys and that is why I took on the task to do this workshop!

The deal is that 15 young people have 24 hours to develop an interdisciplinary education sequence (2 weeks) in a new and interesting way concerning the Millennium Development Goals.

My perception and advice for them will be to make use of the new social media to get a more dialogical communication with the global south. And I will show some of the movie “UBHH”, the last 4 minutes where Rev read up his post about representation and you have the group discussion around the table

I had this idea, maybe it could be fun to have a skype conversation with one or more of you guys, about these issues. It could be about:

How have you in your education heard or worked with the Millenium Development Goals?

How do you get taught about the global west in schools in Uganda?

Or do you as professionals in the social media have any ideas for how to make global education in high schools in Denmark?

These are just ideas, if you have other ideas I would be glad to hear them.

So, the plan is to be available for a short chat with these young Danish people on Saturday.

I think video skype would be the best way to communicate, that way we can communicate directly and we can see each other.

My skype name is sara_mortensen.

Take care, and looking forward to hear from you,

Sara