6 keys from the edge…

A story is told of a time long ago, when a carpenter and his wife brought to the fold, a young one that was to be the savior, the Messiah, if you will. The stories is eons old, but sadly that is not the story you are about to behold.

A few months before December 25^th, a young lady met a man.

He had a message for her, our dear lady Marie. It was one that her man Joseph would not be pleased to hear. Come to think of it, even she was skeptical and she let him know as much.

“What do you mean I’m pregnant? I’m a virgin. I am a member of the True Love Waits club, even Pastor Ssempa can vouch for me!”

“Calm down,” said he, “it will come to be. Just let Joe know. I will also tell him. That way, when he hears the same thing twice, it won’t be such a big deal. It’s like when you heard that Boyz II Men were not coming.”

So that’s exactly what happened, Joe was hanging out, trying to make a buck, make ends meet, when suddenly, he received a message from a number that wasn’t saved in his Nokia’s phonebook, “Jo. I’m going 2 hv a kid. It’s nt yrs. L8r.”

Joe Michaels Musisi was gripped by panic. So he sent a message of his own, “Who dis?” and awaited a reply.

He didn’t have to wait long, “Sry, wrng number. LOL!”

Elsewhere a gentleman called Jose was forced to buy a newspaper by an aggressive vendor with no change. He chanced upon a headline which, seemingly proud of itself, declared, “CARPENTER’S WIFE PREGNANT”. It seemed an odd place to put such a story. Such things are usually the fodder of the Red Pepper, he thought to himself. Then he read the story that followed and realized that it actually had substance.

Then a guy flagged him down. Thinking he was a traffic officer who had opted to dress up casually, Jose acquiesced.

“Man! I am so glad I caught up with you. I’ve been trying to reach you, but some lady kept picking up and saying you were not available at the moment, please try again later. Her politeness notwithstanding, I find it appalling that she kept referring to you as ‘the subscriber’.

Jose could not understand what this had to do with his driving, so he let him know.

“Oh, sorry. I am not a traffic cop. Do you see me wearing those cream uniforms?”

Jose felt compelled to point out that the uniforms were white, but he had more pressing issues to deal with. The lady in the picture that accompanied the carpenter story looked a lot like his woman.

“Yeah, anyway,” not a traffic cop continued, “Marie is pregnant!”

Jose was, as you would expect, taken aback. How did this plain clothed traffic officer know his woman’s name? And did he just say she was pregnant?

“Oh man! She hasn’t told you yet? This is awkward. Tell you what. Beep me when you get home. Actually, an hour after you get there. Peace!”

And like that, he was gone.

So too, is the rest of this story.

In a security office somewhere in Bethlehem

“Sign up! They said! It will be a great way to channel your aggression! A lot of good that did me!”

“I know what you mean Brother Nathaniel, why just the other day I was asked to deal with an 818. Can you believe that? After all that training, I am reduced to dealing with shepherds. And then they are let off with not guilty on grounds of insanity. Turns out they were “following a star”. There’s been a lot of that astro fascination going around lately. Just the other day Jupiter and Venus were so close to the moon, it looked like a smile.”

“A smile? What foolishness is that you speak of Herman?”

“You know, when you turn your er, frown upside down. Like this. Any way, point is, my brother says that sort of thing will never happen again. Not even in 2008 years!”

“That is oddly specific”

“Tell me about it. Then get this. He says there will be a bright star that will herald the birth of the Mess…”

The intercom on the desk cackles to life!

“Code IV! Repeat! Code IV! Security!! Come to reception now. Hey, I love these upside down ‘i’ thingies. Do you think they will catch on in the future? Is this thing still on?”

*click*

Nathaniel looks at Herman. A gleam of excitement in his eyes, “ A code IV! Do you know what that means? I can barely contain myself!”

“By the roman gods that we suspect are pagan! A code IV is unprecendented. We are not equipped to deal with this sort of thing. This could change the very fabric of history itself. And yet, someone must take care of things. Quick! To the hotel!”

As they make haste, our heroes are derailed by three odd looking characters with crowns on their heads. They look suspiciously like kings.

“We ARE kings!” Says one.

“Hang on. Brother Nathaniel. Did this gentleman just cut into the narrative of the tale? Can we do that?”

“ I don’t know Brother Herman. These kings of the Orient possess a certain mysticism that is enigmatic in nature. I know not whether we want to deal with this now. But wait! What’s in the bags?”

“Er, gifts?”

“ I thought as much. Very well, on your way!”

“But Nathaniel, are you not being lenient?”

“ My dear Herman, what would you have me do? Write them a parking ticket? Those things have not even been invented and for the life of me, I don’t know where I pulled that phrase out of!”

Minutes later at the Hotel

“Right what seems to be the problem? I just found out that Usher is in town and we must deal with this ASAP”

“It’s a Code IV!”

“ So you say, but we don’t see…By the unborn God! Is that lady pregnant! And is that what I think it is in the bag! This Code IV is unlike any other. It’s a sequel!”

“Yes. An evacuation order is in. er, order! Right this way madam, sir!”

“Really Joseph, you chose a fine time not to ask for directions!”

“Calm down Mary. I have faith. Something good will happen!”

The couple is promptly shown the door.

“What is that?”

“It appears to be a door type thing. Do you think we should open it and walk through?”

“Seems to be the only way this story will move on”

And so it comes to pass, they walk through and seek accommodation on the other side of this ‘door’ thing.

A couple of houses later. “Yeah. Okay look its not you, it’s me. I have no problem giving you guys accommodation, but this whole credit crunch thing has kinda thrown me off!”

Joseph and Mary look at each other. Inquires Joseph of Mary, “you think this is foreshadowing something in the not so distant future?”

Says the inn keeper, “Nonsense! This crunch thing can not, will NOT happen ever again, not even in 2008 years! But to show you I mean you no ill will. I will let you spend the night out back. I have a good feeling about you!”

“Thank you kind sir! May the lord shower blessings upon you!”

“er, yes. Now come, let me show you your quarters before those census people come back and do a recount. Where do they think we are? Florida?”

The Manger

“Well, I guess I’ve seen worse…”

“Really! What have you seen that could possibly be worse than this?”

“Remember that African edition of MTV Cribs?”

“Oh, oh. Joseph…”

“What is it Mary? What’s wrong?”

“Joseph. It is time. I think ….”

Elsewhere

“So I sez to Billy Ray, you better give that daughter of yours some food.other wise she gonna grow up all skinny like!”

“I know what you mean Frenchie! He always seems to give Priscilla meager portions!Dang! Do you hear that? In the distance…. It sounds like…”

Another Elsewhere

“Chad Wiseman! I notice your contraption is blinking like a little star twinkling up above the world so high like a diamond in the sky. How I wonder what it is! What says it?”

“Yes Chuck. It doth glimmer! Gentlemen. The moment is upon us…”

in yet another elsewhere

{Header}

I don’t mean to be way too presumptuous, but I’d like to think you’ve all heard that song…at least Baz has.
To tell the truth, it actually sounds nice, but after a few listens (usually in the company of a beverage of your choice) you start to notice certain things. I’ll assume that you are new to this whole Paul Simon business and reproduce the lyrics. I will also try to embed the video, just to be safe.

In the song ( Call me Al), Paul Simon sings;

If you’ll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal
I can call you betty
And betty when you call me
You can call me Al

I’m fine with him beginning his verses with “A Man Walks Down The Street” like he is going to crack a joke, but what’s the deal with the chorus? I mean. Seriously! What sort of deal is that? You don’t approach a bouncer with that shit. Hell, you don’t approach anyone with an offer like that.
Let’s assume for one second that I’m overreacting. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that there is in fact someone that is okay with this buddy for bodyguard trade off. In fact, let’s call this person Baz. There is absolutely NO WAY that anyone will agree to be called BETTY. That’s some messed up shit there. What gives? How dare you suggest a name like that? I’m not saying the name Betty is not nice. On the contrary, it’s a wonderful name. It is generally not a name that bodyguards have. It is also not a name that is offered with glee.
Conclusion: Paul Simon has it in for you and won’t stop dissing you any time soon.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread

I’ve been meaning to blog about this, but I couldn’t find a way of introducing the subject. Seeing as this is a random  post, I can come right out and say it. I think bakeries are getting lazy. I suppose I should have suspected it after my first encounter with Tip Top bread. Remember the sizes of the slices? Massive things those. If you were in boarding school and you were going through a rough patch, a slice of Tip Top would be enough to get you by for a while. If a girl told you she was trying to lose weight and to that end had limited herself to one slice of bread a day, you needed to ask whether it was Tip Top. No way will anyone lose weight that way. Logic suggests that to avoid the tedious process of slicing the bread into numerous small pieces, the guy with the electric knife made three cuts and called it a loaf.

Then we had Yummy bread. I know what you’re thinking, the guys that come up with these names are just about as creative as a monochromatic abacus. So, yeah, we had Yummy bread where I would assume someone sat down figured “I can make bread” but couldn’t be bothered to read the recipe and dumped as much sugar in the dough as he possibly could. Maybe, just maybe, this guy/ girl would look into the mixture and gleefully pour sugar in whilst gleefully saying, “its snowing! It’s snowing!!”

Anyway, lately it appears bakers are trying to outdo each other as far as messing up the bread experience goes. In two weeks I have successfully purchased bread that had a thread in it, tasted like paraffin and had funny particles of grain I can only hope was rogue sugar that refused to conform to the norm that dictates that sugar in bread is supposed to be had and not seen. The experience with the paraffin flavored bread left me traumatized and now I have a morbid fear of preparing toast lest the slices spontaneously combust and blow up in my face. How the heck do you expect people to feel sorry for you after they find out that the coroner’s report states that the cause of death was explosive bread?

I bet the PR people will release a statement laying the blame on the power company.

Of Public Holidays with Ribbons

It’s world AIDS day, and as you may or may not be aware, it happens to be one of those days that has a ribbon. For a long time ribbons were maligned and nobody seemed to think they’d amount to much, but lately they enjoy widespread popularity and they come in a number of colours and flavours. What does this mean? Well, simply put, ribbons are now a fashion statement. Got no Cuff Links, wear the gold ribbon, Need to draw attention to your body? Wear a neon colored ribbon and place it in a strategic spot. Actually, you can just wear the ribbon and nothing else. Kinda like that fig leaf that covers naked ladies’ bodies in those paintings by dead artists.

In closing. . . .

{Footerwear}

Know how you hate wearing the same shoes as the next guy or girl? Well, there’s a solution. You can PIMP EM! Make ‘em look snazzy!

yeah? If you have a Facebook account look for the group sole addiction customs. If not… a blog will be opened soon and you will be able to see what else is on offer.

But here’s a sneak peak. . .

*Depending on where you are when you are wearing your tweaked shoes, background may vary.

hey, anyone seen the moon and it’s two friends tonight?