You’ve heard the news, R. Kelly is NOT GUILTY. However, you have to ask yourself what it was like in the courtroom. . .
-So Mr. Kelly, Mr. Pied Piper… R! mask, ziggy dee, whatever your name is, what do you have to say for yourself…
Kells: Well, if I could turn… turn back the hands of time. . .
-Screw that. We know what you did, you peed on her didn’t ya? You peed on a poor defenseless young
Kells: Age ain’t nothing but a number!
-Who the hell do you think you are?
Kells: It’s Kells!
-How is that relevant to the case?
Kells: We got room keys!
-Judge I’d like to call our first witness… I call to the stand, Chris Freakin Brown ladies and gentelemen!
Chris B: Thank you thank you, you’re far too kind
-Hang on, that shit ain’t yours. You’re channeling Jay Z. Mr. Brown I have to warn you, we haven’t gotten over that stuff you did over at facebook!
Chris B: I just left comments from wall to wall…
-So how do you know the accused?
Chris B: Mr. Kelly? I don’t. I know the girl in the video.
-Crap! Okay, so that it is not a waste of time. How did you meet?
Chris B: It was in a gym…or a subway. I remember asking her to gimme that. . .
Kells: What does that have to do with anything?
-Shut up Mr. Piper! Go on Mr. Brown. Then what did you say
Chris B: I said OOOOH! I’m into you then I planted one on her
-Yeah? Then what.. what did she say to that, you sly dawg you. . .
Chris B: nti, how am I supposed to breathe with no air. . .
-Sir, like this piece you’ve gone off on a tangent. Go away. . .Mr. Kells, what do you have to say in your defense?
Kells: I’m a flirt!
-Excuse me?
Kells: I don’t see nothing wrong, with a little bump and grind. . .
-Mr. Kelly!
Kells: sorry, but I doubt Mr. Brown’s claims, that was not the same girl!
-And you know this for a fact, how?
Kells: I did that same girl shit with Mr. Raymond. . .Usher Raymond.
-So you were saying.
Kells: Hey, you’re kinda cute… we can do this on the down low. . .
-Excuse me?
Kells: Your Body’s Callin. . .and I bet you’re Home Alone. . . I’m So Happy Its Thursday.
{Reader: Hang on, that’s not even a song title. What’s going on? I thought you were doing song titles. What the **** !
Me: Anyone notice it gets abbreviated as SHIT? No? Moving on . . .}
- Mr. Kelly it is, in fact, Friday!
Kells: Thank God.
- What? The case is not over. . .
Kells: Thank God it’s Friday
- So, back to the matter at hand. You say you did not pee on her. . .but it says here you said you were “feelin on her bootyâ€
Kells: That’s just a song. Hell, I sang I believe I can fly! You don’t see me flying! That shit is depressing. I can’t sleep!
- There, there Mr. Piper, I’m your Angel
Kells: You’re pretty kinky for a lawyer. . .
- That wasn’t me, it was that Celine Dion chic. . .it’s just a big coincidence that her words are following the same structure as mine are.
Kells: Come on now, we can all get along. We’re all Happy People.
- Huh?
Kells: Sorry, I thought the Storm was over now. . . and by taking the piss on justice I’d prove what I said before, I’m the world’s greatest.
- Not that it has any bearing on this case, but you haven’t done anything with Celine in a while, why is that?
Kells: When a woman’s fed up. . . I don’t need this, this line of questioning is making me feel trapped. . .like a cup in a cupboard, or a shoe in a closet. I feel trapped in the closet! I’m out of this piece!
- We’re not done, Mr. Kelly!
Kells: I’m a Rock Star. That court shit is for playa’s only! Jigga Kelly, not guilty!
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
er…socks! and whatever else tandra and kakaire wont be gettin
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
another brilliant piece aivan……..you rock
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:28 pm
How much time you take to put this together beats me. No wonder Cheri and Caro are like nuts and bolts about you
June 24th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Aivan…
Totally off the chain!
Off the hinges mate!
June 24th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
i take it now you are back at 90%?
June 25th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
man. Naye that fool has had many songs.
June 28th, 2008 at 7:35 am
i have laughed my side to splinters! it was sooooo funny and yeah! oh so brilliant!
July 1st, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Ivan, took me a while to see this but it too tall.
Like your stuff is. Always.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Chanel, huh… I’m not crazy over jhim… I’m bazookers and gazungas.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:33 pm
I can only imagine. When you next talk to him, tell him I need his autograph. Seriously by the way. Ask Antipop
August 28th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Why, Antipoop is incharge of his pen? Oh yeah, not that pen…that one she can have.